Whining

Thank goodness! I forgot about this blog! I need to write some things without anyone really seeing them. I've had a lot on my mind today and just need to vent. Some days, especially since the 4th, I am having weird palpitations in my chest. I feel pressure and dizzy. I truly think I need a doctor. I have no insurance though and the thought of an astronomical bill scares the crap out of me. If I say anything to anyone, I will get a lecture. I don't feel like anyone really cares so I don't know why they say it except that it is the polite thing to say. I used to think I wanted to stick around for N, but seeing the bang up job I have done with A, I'm not sure it would matter. Wouldn't it be better to leave N thinking I was the greatest mom in the world and not "get on her nerves" when she's older? G and C like me but they would do fine without me. I don't think they are embarrassed by me but I do think they think I'm weird. Don't want to spend time with me. No gifts on holidays. It makes me feel a little crappy but I'm not telling them that. G broke up with his girlfriend over the weekend. He talks about her once in a while. I know it bothers him but I also know it's for the best. G is perfect except for being the biggest slob to walk the planet. He wanted to do things for her, spend time with her, and give her gifts. She never seemed to appreciate it, never wanted to even hold his hand. She told him she was independent. Well, when you love someone, I think you want to spend as much time together as you can. She didn't make that a priority so it's her loss. A bought a car today. They went and got a loan for a car that costs $3,500. I cannot believe she hasn't learned anything from seeing how her father and I struggle because of the debt he has put us in. Every person in this house talks about her and her tattoos, piercings and animals. G said today that if she didn't spend her money on those things that she wouldn't need the loan. I am the one to tell her. No one else will. I told M that there are three sets of balls in this house but I am the only one with the balls to say anything to her. Then A punishes me, I guess, by telling me I don't need to watch B and that R is taking her to work tomorrow. She won't need me. Well, jokes on her. I am glad I don't have to do either of those things. I have had so much on my mind today. It started this morning when I asked M a question and he didn't answer me. When we do talk to each other, it's not nice. A friend says it's time for me to leave. I deserve to be happy. But is that God's will? Should I leave? How would I support myself and N? I need another job. Would I still be able to homeschool? Is public school so bad? Yes, I know it is, but hey, there are other kids there that she could make friends with. Yuck. Am I screwing her up too? M has nothing to do with the homeschooling. He thinks it's great that I do it but I really think it's because he doesn't have to buy school clothes, pay for school activities, and the boys were home to go to work with him. I don't know what to do!! I sometimes wonder if this is what depression feels like. I don't think I'm depressed though. I'm indifferent. I just don't care or get excited about much. If something does happen to me and someone reads this after I'm gone, I don't want anyone feeling guilty. Maybe I'm reading too much into these things. I just don't have anyone to really talk to. I feel like I'm bothering the two people who I consider my best friends so I don't talk to them much either. That's probably silly too. So, there you have it. Maybe I just need some sleep and to go back to work tomorrow. Too much time to sit around and think about things I can't change or don't know how to change.