Relationships

Our pastor started a series of sermons on relationships today. I always said there could be a nuclear explosion and if M was the only survivor he would be fine. I think G and C would be fine too. The longer I stay in this family I think I would be fine. Pastor Donn used solitary confinement of prisoners as an example. I tried to imagine what problem I would have with that. My problem would be being in an enclosed room. If I was by myself but still had access to books, movies, music, animals, and so on would I miss anyone? Okay. There are my kids. A woman would love to have that perfect man but I have come to find there isn't one. They are good to kill spiders but is that why I want one around? Yikes! I have great online friends too. Sometimes I wonder if that is normal. I can fit them into my schedule on my time. They don't bother me with phone calls at inopportune moments. It's kind of selfish of me. Maybe I will benefit from this sermon. Right now, I'm wondering.......

Complaining

I'm ready for a divorce again. Why is it that M and I can't solve our problems together like adults? He attacks me. I blame him for everything. M has been getting reminder notices that time is running out for G's student loans. M was waiting to have his taxes done. When I was single I had them done no later than the first week of February. We have about a week to get everything together because he waited so long and just picked them up last week. He told me to send the info. on the Internet. I forgot I already had a pin number and screwed up the application process. Now I'm waiting for my new number to be approved. In he meantime, the clock is ticking. M is threatening not to pay for G's education, after all I'm the one that started the ball rolling, meaning sending G to Wyotech. He told me I'll need to get a job to pay for it. G is in the same room while we are arguing. It is something he wanted to do. I don't want him to be M's slave all his life anyway. Kids at McDonalds are getting paid just as much, if not more than, M pays the boys. The boys are busting their butts too.
I'm so tired of C telling me I sit on my rear all day. M hears him say this stuff and never comes to my defense. I so want to quit washing clothes and cleaning. I can't threaten C with not buying groceries because I can honestly say he doesn't eat here much. I make him sit at the table with us though. He is my picky eater. I quit buying pop and junk and the kid lost so much weight! He did need to lose a few pounds but now he is really skinny. If I make his favorite food but don't have pop here to have with it he won't eat it! He is very stubborn! Have I lost any weight???? NO!!!!
Once again, I feel regret about the choices I have made. I hate that I don't get a do over!
We watched a documentary yesterday for school about Paul and Margaret Brand. It made me want to do more with my life, more that counts for eternity. What can I do though? I should have waited for God's best for me instead of marrying M. There was so much I wanted to do but I got married and Mike said I didn't need to waste the gas money. :-\ I could go on a missions trip with our church when they go. Mommie Dearest would have a field day for a long time telling me what a bad idea that would be. I couldn't leave the kids anyway. I wouldn't trust M for more than a few hours with N. Last night her monitor in our room was pulling in static. It woke us a few times. At about 4 in the morning M jumped out of bed and threatened to smash it. Now, what good would that have done? I would've had to put her in bed with us again because I would not hear her without it.
Wow, I certainly have rambled! I think I feel better though. And I didn't have to bore anyone else with my griping. :-)

EASTER DAY

It wasn't a bad day. Mom did get on my nerves before she got here. She is so demanding and controlling. She was ticked because I had supper at 5:30 instead of 4:00. We had just had lunch at 1:30! She threatened not to come if we didn't eat soon. She said she would make her own next year if we plan on eating that late again. She was mad that M's parents gave N something before she did. I can't believe I held my tongue so well. She is just so ridiculous sometimes! When I came back from picking her up M and the kids were all playing N's toy horns when she entered. She didn't think anything of it but I knew what they were doing-trying to play "Hail to the Queen". lol

What a day!!!!!!

Talk about getting a scare today!!! We went to see the BODIES tour in Pittsburgh. C passed out! He was walking with my sil so I didn't see it happen. The look on her face and the way she said call 911 I thought for sure he was dying!!!!!!! When he tried standing up he fell over again. When he finally came to he said he was never going to be a doctor! He is squeamish! lol Why are we so protective of our kids if we know they are heaven bound when they die? Is it wrong that I don't want God having any of them yet??

I guess it was just a matter of time......

I got a phone call from the bank today. Seems M is trying to get another loan. The representative called today. She apologized for me not knowing anything about it, not ever knowing about any of them. M came through the door before she could tell me how much he was trying to borrow. M did tell me a few weeks ago that since interest is down he was going to look into consolidating. *sigh* I told him if it was anything requiring my signature he could forget it. He doesn't need one for a business loan. I don't get it. I am still responsible for any loans he has if something should happen to him. Why isn't my name needed then? He has been saying he wants a new Harley. I wonder if that money is added into the consolidation? I wouldn't have such a problem with this except that I know if his bills add up to $40,000 he will borrow $80,000. I'm trying not to let this bother me. Writing it here helps. I know no one else wants to hear about any more of his financial decisions. I just wish with all of my hearrt that I would've waited for God's best for me. Then I wouldn't have the kids I do and I don't ever want to wish them away so...........
On to my next gripe. My mom has many health problems. She takes 20+ prescriptions. I don't think she needs near that many. She runs to the doctor quite often. She goes for bloodwork once a month. He makes sure her prescriptions don't need adjusting. Then there is the nose, throat, ear doctor, allergy shots, dentists, eye doctor, mammograms twice yearly, and the list goes on. On top of that she is in the process of getting social security and I take her for groceries. This week I have to take her to three appts. I hate driving. I would love never to leave my house again. I'm tired of it. I have four kids that I homeschool. I have a home to clean and meals to make. I start feeling guilty then. What if something would happen to her? Somehow I knew as a very young child I would be the one taking care of her. I wrote it in an autobiography I had to do in about second grade. How did I know this? My father was still at home. I do have a younger brother. She tried giving me $40 yesterday because she said, "I know I'm a pain in the butt to have to drive all around." I didn't take it. She mentioned she didn't have anything else to give me. I told her to have my brother take her once in a while would be a big load off of me. She said she couldn't do that. She didn't say it but I know it's because he lives 20 miles away, she doesn't trust his driving, and he still drinks and smokes pot. I don't see my doctors like I should because I do enough running with her.
N just got up from her nap. I'm taking her to Storytime at the library this afternoon. Kind of funny after just complaining that I'd rather stay home. Believe me, it's a sacrifice of love to do this stuff. I don't get a lot of pleasure from it. I'm not even sure she likes it. lol