FEAR (from The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have)

Fear manipulates our emotions, causing us to believe that we can control the severity of future hurts by holding on to past wounds. Fear causes us to cling to the memory of past emotional injuries like a shield to deflect future trauma.
But in reality, fear will only back us into an emotional prison cell, and we'll eventually find ourselves living our lives in an apprehensive, negative, and suspicious manner.
As I sat today at my computer writing, I was distracted by some horses at the ranch adjacent to our home. They frolicked and ran around all morning. It was so cute to watch them race back and forth in their expansive pasture, bucking, leaping, and even lying on their backs and wriggling all around. Our neighborhood horses sure enjoy their freedom.
But there are other horses on the ranch that, for whatever reason, are not allowed to roam free. They are kept separate in small corrals that do not afford much space to move about. There is definitely no room to run, play, wriggle on their backs, or "horse around" with their buddies.
While it's a simplistic analogy, it's actually a perfect example of the radical difference between those who know the freedom of forgiveness and those who do not. Because, as I've said before, unforgiveness will cage your heart and rob you of the joy of living, the joy of loving, and the joy of your husband's company.
A free heart is one hat loves completely, forgives easily, enjoys abundantly, and appreciates unconditionally. A bound heart is one which loves suspiciously, harbors quickly, resents immediately, and undervalues consistently.

I have always been thankful for the wall that has been built over the years that protects me. I have never wanted to take in down until I read that. It is protecting me, but what am I missing out on? I can see how hard I have become. I want to be more like Jesus and in order to do that I need to get rid of it. My wall is paralyzing me. I am suspicious. I don't trust. I want more out of my life. I want to love Mike. I want to be a better example for my children. Perfect love casts out all fear. Again, God is going to get the glory for getting me through this. I can't do it on my own. It is after all, scary, but oh so promising!

Colossians 3:23-24

Do you serve your husband as "unto the Lord"? I have been reading The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have and Is There a Moose in Your Marriage? I get so fired up and want to serve M according to Colossians 3:23-24.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

I have a better motive! It puts our marriage in a whole different perspective when I think of it this way. I need to choose to serve God regardless of M's behavior. The real issue isn't how M deserves to be treated, but how Jesus deserves to be treated. It's so much easier said than done though. He walks in the room and I automatically find things to pick at. *groan*

Here is a different version of Matthew 25:35-40 that I read the other day.

The Husband Paraphrase

I was hungry for breakfast, dinner,
and sometimes even lunch, snacks, a
kind word, a warm hug, to talk to you, to be loved by you...
...you gave me something to eat.
I was thirsty to feel accepted by you,
to take the leadership role in our
home, to be admired by you, to be respected by you.
I mowed the lawn and needed refreshing and...
...you gave me something to drink.
I was a stranger; my mood was bad.
I had been unreasonable.
I had been mean, thoughless, forgetful, unhelpful, self-centered...
...you invited me in.
I was naked, you did all my wash
even when I dropped it on the floor.
You sewed on my missing buttons.
You let me bare my soul to you.
You ironed my wrinkled shirts.
You saw the real me that others never see--
with all my quirks and uncovered ugliness, and you never
exposed me before our children, family, or friends...
...you clothed me.
I was sick--you know my colds are worse than anyone else's.
Sometimes I said things to you I didn't mean. I got depressed and...
...you cared for me.
I was in prison: my job got to me some days and I withdrew from you.
When I was lonely you were there for me.
You prayed for me.
When I was consumed with a problem,
when I was unforgiving, when I didn't deserve
anything because of the way I've treated you ans I was so ashamed...
...you came to me.
Jesus would say to you, "When you did these things for your
husband, you did them for Me."

Instead of these things getting easier it seems they are getting harder! I know it is Satan but I do just want to get up and get out sometimes still. *sigh* We are so far apart. We have nothing in common. I didn't love him when we got married. He still lies. If this works God will get all the glory because I can't do it myself.

It's no wonder I have very low self esteem!!!!

It's only early afternoon and already I've been told that I have a big back and that someone didn't like my hair. Why do people feel the need to tell me these things?????