Complaining

I'm ready for a divorce again. Why is it that M and I can't solve our problems together like adults? He attacks me. I blame him for everything. M has been getting reminder notices that time is running out for G's student loans. M was waiting to have his taxes done. When I was single I had them done no later than the first week of February. We have about a week to get everything together because he waited so long and just picked them up last week. He told me to send the info. on the Internet. I forgot I already had a pin number and screwed up the application process. Now I'm waiting for my new number to be approved. In he meantime, the clock is ticking. M is threatening not to pay for G's education, after all I'm the one that started the ball rolling, meaning sending G to Wyotech. He told me I'll need to get a job to pay for it. G is in the same room while we are arguing. It is something he wanted to do. I don't want him to be M's slave all his life anyway. Kids at McDonalds are getting paid just as much, if not more than, M pays the boys. The boys are busting their butts too.
I'm so tired of C telling me I sit on my rear all day. M hears him say this stuff and never comes to my defense. I so want to quit washing clothes and cleaning. I can't threaten C with not buying groceries because I can honestly say he doesn't eat here much. I make him sit at the table with us though. He is my picky eater. I quit buying pop and junk and the kid lost so much weight! He did need to lose a few pounds but now he is really skinny. If I make his favorite food but don't have pop here to have with it he won't eat it! He is very stubborn! Have I lost any weight???? NO!!!!
Once again, I feel regret about the choices I have made. I hate that I don't get a do over!
We watched a documentary yesterday for school about Paul and Margaret Brand. It made me want to do more with my life, more that counts for eternity. What can I do though? I should have waited for God's best for me instead of marrying M. There was so much I wanted to do but I got married and Mike said I didn't need to waste the gas money. :-\ I could go on a missions trip with our church when they go. Mommie Dearest would have a field day for a long time telling me what a bad idea that would be. I couldn't leave the kids anyway. I wouldn't trust M for more than a few hours with N. Last night her monitor in our room was pulling in static. It woke us a few times. At about 4 in the morning M jumped out of bed and threatened to smash it. Now, what good would that have done? I would've had to put her in bed with us again because I would not hear her without it.
Wow, I certainly have rambled! I think I feel better though. And I didn't have to bore anyone else with my griping. :-)