We were all supposed to go to M's mom amd dad's yesterday. M's aunt moved in with them. Like most of M's mom's side the lights are on but no one is home. M is starting to act a lot like his family mentally. Maybe he always has and I just never noticed. They just aren't too bright. Then on top of that G came home saying that Bubba was talking and M's dad told her nobody was paying attention to her and didn't care what she had to say. I felt so bad for her. They all laugh and think it's funny. I think it's rude, inconsiderate, and mean. A few years ago M's mom told me about her and M's dad arguing. It sounded exactly like M and I. I can't stand being around them together. I don't want that to be my life in 20 years. It really, really scares me.
Oh, and M told me he is expecting a letter in the mail this week from Wells Fargo for a $15,000 loan. He told me if I throw it away I can pay the bills. That's just what we need, another loan. I can't believe he can actually get one considering his debt has already and the economy the way it is.
I am realizing why God gave me N when he did.:-) I am teetering on the brink. Knowing I have her to take care of is what keeps me here, functioning.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving day
Today is Thanksgiving so I prayed that I would keep my mouth shut when I didn't have anything nice to say. I succeeded for the most part. I do find though that when I stuff my feelings away that I have a tendency to become depressed. So, is it okay to voice my anger? I didn't think I was a control freak but the more I wonder about our future I want to cry. I battled tears most of the morning and into the afternoon. What is M waiting for?? I told everyone tonight that DISH is in my name and next time I get the bill it's getting canceled. We have plenty of videos. Last time we got rid of cable I felt closer as a family. I want to start cutting out all things that aren't necessary. I am even willing to cancel Internet for the good of my family. Why didn't M sacrifice before he got us into this mess? Shouldn't M be looking for another job? Should I look for a job? I couldn't put N in daycare. I have about $500 saved for a rainy day. I thought I would pay off a bill with that. Now I'm thinking I will be buying Christmas gifts. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a pretty skimpy Christmas around here. When I told C today he said he didn't mind, that he'll buy what he needs. It was very humbling for me to hear that. He did tell me too that Bobby is going to start paying him cash. It won't go through M first. I'm very happy about that. M already owes him $1,200 because he has used the money to pay his bill instead of giving it to C. I told G he needs to get out and look for ANY job on Monday. M said it was nice that M is paying for G's schooling that he won't be using. I just said that maybe G could pay for it once he got a job. I know the economy isn't going to get better. I heard someone on the radio the other day talking about how we (the U.S.) are making so much money. It has to stop. Our money will soon be worth nothing. That is when we will be dependent on other countries that we owe money to and that will usher in the one world currency. Kind of scary how close we are to the end times, isn't it? I am thankful to be a child of God. I am thankful for four healthy kids. I am thankful for a mom that gave A money so she could stay in taekwondo for at least another month. I do not like eating humble pie.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Opinions, please.
I need opinions, but this is such a personal thing that I don't know who to ask or even if I should. M and I haven't done anything for months. That is very unusual. It's just that I'm the one who initiates since he's sleeping when I go to bed. With everything that has gone on lately I am not interested. I'm happy reading and then falling asleep. Last night he stayed awake until I shut the lights out. I didn't want to at all. When he asked why I told him I didn't want to get into it when we were ready to go to sleep. I got up this morning and wrote down my reasons. I could give it to him when he comes home later this evening. I put everything out there though and I'm not sure he can handle it. What to do, what to do........
Sunday, November 2, 2008
my book
My computer is acting up. I have the beginning of a story written and stored in Word. I'm afraid of losing it and thought I'd post it here. It is loosely autobiographical. It came very easily to me one evening. It was very therapeutic. :-) I have ideas for the rest of the book but haven't sat down to write them yet.
CHAPTER 1
Jeannie sat on the log. The sun was warm on her face and shoulders. This was
her spot to wait for him. In her sixteen years on this earth there was no one she loved
more. She was a typical teenager in that she didn’t see eye to eye with her parents. Her
father hadn’t paid attention to her in years. He said not one word to her after a fight they
had when she was thirteen. She couldn’t even remember what the argument was about.
She knew that she had pretty much blocked the memory of it out of her head. She didn’t
want to think about it. Why the father that made her feel like a princess when she was
little could not so much as say hello to her now. She was grateful to have her best friend
Pat, and her family living nearby. They were a Christian family. She knew they acted
much different than her family. They seemed to truly care about each other. She would
never forget the day they wanted to go shopping but Pat said she didn’t have money.
Pat’s older sister, Darci, rolled her eyes teasingly and said, “Oh Pat, you are such a brat!”
as she handed her twenty dollars. That made quite an impression on Jeannie. Her family,
even she could admit, she herself, was not giving towards each other, especially where
hard earned, scarcely seen money was concerned. If she did not have their home as a
place of refuge when things got rough at home, she got a chill and caught her breath as
the sight of him made her forget to think.
He was Will Allen. He was also sixteen but three months younger than Jeannie.
They grew up together. They were best friends before Jeannie realized that she had fallen for
him. He was crazy about her. With her blonde hair and striking blue eyes he felt as if he was the
luckiest boy in the world. He had been in love with her for months before she would tell him the
same. He was not what other girls would say is cute. His nose was a little bent and he had a
crooked smile. He won her over with all of the kindnesses he showed her. They took walks
through the woods. He would pick her flowers off of his mother’s prized rhododendron bush. He
would write her poetry and letters proclaiming his undying love. If ever she was in trouble she
knew all she had to do was place a phone call and he would be right there for her, tissues in
hand. He was smart too. He had German ancestors and would tell her sweet nothings in
German. When they would look at the stars at night he would point out the constellations to
her. They had let their love go further than maybe it should have. Her mom wanted her to wait
until marriage because it was what she was supposed to do. That’s it. That was the only
reason. She had no problem giving in to him on a cold day in February when his mom wasn’t at
home. Besides, they loved each other and would eventually be married.
She rose to meet him. As soon as he was close enough she put her arms around him,
hugged him, and planted a kiss on his neck. It was his favorite way in which to be greeted by
her. When she let go she could see he was holding something. It was a package wrapped in
shining silver paper. He handed it to her and as he did kissed her lips. It was not her birthday
but he had taken a job in a local diner and regularly spent his check on gifts for her. He had taken
the job because she told him she was bored and he was afraid of losing her to someone with a
car.
“Hey babe. I bought you something I know your gonna like.” She thought she knew what
it was and smiled at him. Just a few days before they had gone window-shopping. They had
stopped in front of the local jewelry store. There was a set of mizpah necklaces for couples to
wear. She carefully unwrapped the box and he mentioned something about how girls open their
packages as if to save the wrapping. From inside the box she pulled the two necklaces out and
put them together. They fit like puzzle pieces. She read out loud “The LORD watch between me
and thee, when we are absent one from another. Genesis 31:49.” He had their names engraved
on them. She quickly took his half and put it around his neck. He was hers and she was happy.
He took her half from her hand and clumsily unhooked the latch and put it on her. She looked
even more beautiful and he was proud of the special relationship they shared.
CHAPTER 1
Jeannie sat on the log. The sun was warm on her face and shoulders. This was
her spot to wait for him. In her sixteen years on this earth there was no one she loved
more. She was a typical teenager in that she didn’t see eye to eye with her parents. Her
father hadn’t paid attention to her in years. He said not one word to her after a fight they
had when she was thirteen. She couldn’t even remember what the argument was about.
She knew that she had pretty much blocked the memory of it out of her head. She didn’t
want to think about it. Why the father that made her feel like a princess when she was
little could not so much as say hello to her now. She was grateful to have her best friend
Pat, and her family living nearby. They were a Christian family. She knew they acted
much different than her family. They seemed to truly care about each other. She would
never forget the day they wanted to go shopping but Pat said she didn’t have money.
Pat’s older sister, Darci, rolled her eyes teasingly and said, “Oh Pat, you are such a brat!”
as she handed her twenty dollars. That made quite an impression on Jeannie. Her family,
even she could admit, she herself, was not giving towards each other, especially where
hard earned, scarcely seen money was concerned. If she did not have their home as a
place of refuge when things got rough at home, she got a chill and caught her breath as
the sight of him made her forget to think.
He was Will Allen. He was also sixteen but three months younger than Jeannie.
They grew up together. They were best friends before Jeannie realized that she had fallen for
him. He was crazy about her. With her blonde hair and striking blue eyes he felt as if he was the
luckiest boy in the world. He had been in love with her for months before she would tell him the
same. He was not what other girls would say is cute. His nose was a little bent and he had a
crooked smile. He won her over with all of the kindnesses he showed her. They took walks
through the woods. He would pick her flowers off of his mother’s prized rhododendron bush. He
would write her poetry and letters proclaiming his undying love. If ever she was in trouble she
knew all she had to do was place a phone call and he would be right there for her, tissues in
hand. He was smart too. He had German ancestors and would tell her sweet nothings in
German. When they would look at the stars at night he would point out the constellations to
her. They had let their love go further than maybe it should have. Her mom wanted her to wait
until marriage because it was what she was supposed to do. That’s it. That was the only
reason. She had no problem giving in to him on a cold day in February when his mom wasn’t at
home. Besides, they loved each other and would eventually be married.
She rose to meet him. As soon as he was close enough she put her arms around him,
hugged him, and planted a kiss on his neck. It was his favorite way in which to be greeted by
her. When she let go she could see he was holding something. It was a package wrapped in
shining silver paper. He handed it to her and as he did kissed her lips. It was not her birthday
but he had taken a job in a local diner and regularly spent his check on gifts for her. He had taken
the job because she told him she was bored and he was afraid of losing her to someone with a
car.
“Hey babe. I bought you something I know your gonna like.” She thought she knew what
it was and smiled at him. Just a few days before they had gone window-shopping. They had
stopped in front of the local jewelry store. There was a set of mizpah necklaces for couples to
wear. She carefully unwrapped the box and he mentioned something about how girls open their
packages as if to save the wrapping. From inside the box she pulled the two necklaces out and
put them together. They fit like puzzle pieces. She read out loud “The LORD watch between me
and thee, when we are absent one from another. Genesis 31:49.” He had their names engraved
on them. She quickly took his half and put it around his neck. He was hers and she was happy.
He took her half from her hand and clumsily unhooked the latch and put it on her. She looked
even more beautiful and he was proud of the special relationship they shared.
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