Whining

Thank goodness! I forgot about this blog! I need to write some things without anyone really seeing them. I've had a lot on my mind today and just need to vent. Some days, especially since the 4th, I am having weird palpitations in my chest. I feel pressure and dizzy. I truly think I need a doctor. I have no insurance though and the thought of an astronomical bill scares the crap out of me. If I say anything to anyone, I will get a lecture. I don't feel like anyone really cares so I don't know why they say it except that it is the polite thing to say. I used to think I wanted to stick around for N, but seeing the bang up job I have done with A, I'm not sure it would matter. Wouldn't it be better to leave N thinking I was the greatest mom in the world and not "get on her nerves" when she's older? G and C like me but they would do fine without me. I don't think they are embarrassed by me but I do think they think I'm weird. Don't want to spend time with me. No gifts on holidays. It makes me feel a little crappy but I'm not telling them that. G broke up with his girlfriend over the weekend. He talks about her once in a while. I know it bothers him but I also know it's for the best. G is perfect except for being the biggest slob to walk the planet. He wanted to do things for her, spend time with her, and give her gifts. She never seemed to appreciate it, never wanted to even hold his hand. She told him she was independent. Well, when you love someone, I think you want to spend as much time together as you can. She didn't make that a priority so it's her loss. A bought a car today. They went and got a loan for a car that costs $3,500. I cannot believe she hasn't learned anything from seeing how her father and I struggle because of the debt he has put us in. Every person in this house talks about her and her tattoos, piercings and animals. G said today that if she didn't spend her money on those things that she wouldn't need the loan. I am the one to tell her. No one else will. I told M that there are three sets of balls in this house but I am the only one with the balls to say anything to her. Then A punishes me, I guess, by telling me I don't need to watch B and that R is taking her to work tomorrow. She won't need me. Well, jokes on her. I am glad I don't have to do either of those things. I have had so much on my mind today. It started this morning when I asked M a question and he didn't answer me. When we do talk to each other, it's not nice. A friend says it's time for me to leave. I deserve to be happy. But is that God's will? Should I leave? How would I support myself and N? I need another job. Would I still be able to homeschool? Is public school so bad? Yes, I know it is, but hey, there are other kids there that she could make friends with. Yuck. Am I screwing her up too? M has nothing to do with the homeschooling. He thinks it's great that I do it but I really think it's because he doesn't have to buy school clothes, pay for school activities, and the boys were home to go to work with him. I don't know what to do!! I sometimes wonder if this is what depression feels like. I don't think I'm depressed though. I'm indifferent. I just don't care or get excited about much. If something does happen to me and someone reads this after I'm gone, I don't want anyone feeling guilty. Maybe I'm reading too much into these things. I just don't have anyone to really talk to. I feel like I'm bothering the two people who I consider my best friends so I don't talk to them much either. That's probably silly too. So, there you have it. Maybe I just need some sleep and to go back to work tomorrow. Too much time to sit around and think about things I can't change or don't know how to change.

Inspired to come back!

My Facebook is getting crowded. lol I don't mind having so many friends but I can't vent as much as I used to! Especially about my job. I still like it but there is nothing to do! I feel like I'm wasting my time and his (my boss, J's) money. I could do the work I'm doing in half the time. I just have to bite the bullet and tell him. I only took full time for the benefits. I still don't want to pay $800 a month for health insurance and I've lived 46 years without paid vacations. I'll survive. N will be starting 1st grade in the fall. I want to do it right. I bought My Father's World curriculum and really want our year to go as well as last year. And to think that I was nervous about teaching her to read! *BIG SMILE* Still "fighting" with the school district about A attending cosmetology class at the tech school in the fall. I will be dependent upon my mother for five hours of babysitting every other week. She's already threatening if so and so doesn't do this or that she won't babysit! Gah! Why can't she just be nice??? Well, here I sit again when I told myself I'd be getting to bed earlier. I'd like to get into the habit again of reading a chapter or two before turning out the lights. Oh ya......haven't blogged since I moved out of M's and my bedroom. I sleep in N's room now. She has a trundle under her bed. She sleeps on it and I sleep on the daybed. Marriage is pretty much over except for the paperwork. I'll save that for another day. Good night!

Glad I didn't go.....

We were all supposed to go to M's mom amd dad's yesterday. M's aunt moved in with them. Like most of M's mom's side the lights are on but no one is home. M is starting to act a lot like his family mentally. Maybe he always has and I just never noticed. They just aren't too bright. Then on top of that G came home saying that Bubba was talking and M's dad told her nobody was paying attention to her and didn't care what she had to say. I felt so bad for her. They all laugh and think it's funny. I think it's rude, inconsiderate, and mean. A few years ago M's mom told me about her and M's dad arguing. It sounded exactly like M and I. I can't stand being around them together. I don't want that to be my life in 20 years. It really, really scares me.
Oh, and M told me he is expecting a letter in the mail this week from Wells Fargo for a $15,000 loan. He told me if I throw it away I can pay the bills. That's just what we need, another loan. I can't believe he can actually get one considering his debt has already and the economy the way it is.
I am realizing why God gave me N when he did.:-) I am teetering on the brink. Knowing I have her to take care of is what keeps me here, functioning.

Thanksgiving day

Today is Thanksgiving so I prayed that I would keep my mouth shut when I didn't have anything nice to say. I succeeded for the most part. I do find though that when I stuff my feelings away that I have a tendency to become depressed. So, is it okay to voice my anger? I didn't think I was a control freak but the more I wonder about our future I want to cry. I battled tears most of the morning and into the afternoon. What is M waiting for?? I told everyone tonight that DISH is in my name and next time I get the bill it's getting canceled. We have plenty of videos. Last time we got rid of cable I felt closer as a family. I want to start cutting out all things that aren't necessary. I am even willing to cancel Internet for the good of my family. Why didn't M sacrifice before he got us into this mess? Shouldn't M be looking for another job? Should I look for a job? I couldn't put N in daycare. I have about $500 saved for a rainy day. I thought I would pay off a bill with that. Now I'm thinking I will be buying Christmas gifts. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a pretty skimpy Christmas around here. When I told C today he said he didn't mind, that he'll buy what he needs. It was very humbling for me to hear that. He did tell me too that Bobby is going to start paying him cash. It won't go through M first. I'm very happy about that. M already owes him $1,200 because he has used the money to pay his bill instead of giving it to C. I told G he needs to get out and look for ANY job on Monday. M said it was nice that M is paying for G's schooling that he won't be using. I just said that maybe G could pay for it once he got a job. I know the economy isn't going to get better. I heard someone on the radio the other day talking about how we (the U.S.) are making so much money. It has to stop. Our money will soon be worth nothing. That is when we will be dependent on other countries that we owe money to and that will usher in the one world currency. Kind of scary how close we are to the end times, isn't it? I am thankful to be a child of God. I am thankful for four healthy kids. I am thankful for a mom that gave A money so she could stay in taekwondo for at least another month. I do not like eating humble pie.

Opinions, please.

I need opinions, but this is such a personal thing that I don't know who to ask or even if I should. M and I haven't done anything for months. That is very unusual. It's just that I'm the one who initiates since he's sleeping when I go to bed. With everything that has gone on lately I am not interested. I'm happy reading and then falling asleep. Last night he stayed awake until I shut the lights out. I didn't want to at all. When he asked why I told him I didn't want to get into it when we were ready to go to sleep. I got up this morning and wrote down my reasons. I could give it to him when he comes home later this evening. I put everything out there though and I'm not sure he can handle it. What to do, what to do........

my book

My computer is acting up. I have the beginning of a story written and stored in Word. I'm afraid of losing it and thought I'd post it here. It is loosely autobiographical. It came very easily to me one evening. It was very therapeutic. :-) I have ideas for the rest of the book but haven't sat down to write them yet.

CHAPTER 1

Jeannie sat on the log. The sun was warm on her face and shoulders. This was

her spot to wait for him. In her sixteen years on this earth there was no one she loved

more. She was a typical teenager in that she didn’t see eye to eye with her parents. Her

father hadn’t paid attention to her in years. He said not one word to her after a fight they

had when she was thirteen. She couldn’t even remember what the argument was about.

She knew that she had pretty much blocked the memory of it out of her head. She didn’t

want to think about it. Why the father that made her feel like a princess when she was

little could not so much as say hello to her now. She was grateful to have her best friend

Pat, and her family living nearby. They were a Christian family. She knew they acted

much different than her family. They seemed to truly care about each other. She would

never forget the day they wanted to go shopping but Pat said she didn’t have money.

Pat’s older sister, Darci, rolled her eyes teasingly and said, “Oh Pat, you are such a brat!”

as she handed her twenty dollars. That made quite an impression on Jeannie. Her family,

even she could admit, she herself, was not giving towards each other, especially where

hard earned, scarcely seen money was concerned. If she did not have their home as a

place of refuge when things got rough at home, she got a chill and caught her breath as

the sight of him made her forget to think.

He was Will Allen. He was also sixteen but three months younger than Jeannie.

They grew up together. They were best friends before Jeannie realized that she had fallen for

him. He was crazy about her. With her blonde hair and striking blue eyes he felt as if he was the

luckiest boy in the world. He had been in love with her for months before she would tell him the

same. He was not what other girls would say is cute. His nose was a little bent and he had a

crooked smile. He won her over with all of the kindnesses he showed her. They took walks

through the woods. He would pick her flowers off of his mother’s prized rhododendron bush. He

would write her poetry and letters proclaiming his undying love. If ever she was in trouble she

knew all she had to do was place a phone call and he would be right there for her, tissues in

hand. He was smart too. He had German ancestors and would tell her sweet nothings in

German. When they would look at the stars at night he would point out the constellations to

her. They had let their love go further than maybe it should have. Her mom wanted her to wait

until marriage because it was what she was supposed to do. That’s it. That was the only

reason. She had no problem giving in to him on a cold day in February when his mom wasn’t at

home. Besides, they loved each other and would eventually be married.

She rose to meet him. As soon as he was close enough she put her arms around him,

hugged him, and planted a kiss on his neck. It was his favorite way in which to be greeted by

her. When she let go she could see he was holding something. It was a package wrapped in

shining silver paper. He handed it to her and as he did kissed her lips. It was not her birthday

but he had taken a job in a local diner and regularly spent his check on gifts for her. He had taken

the job because she told him she was bored and he was afraid of losing her to someone with a

car.
“Hey babe. I bought you something I know your gonna like.” She thought she knew what

it was and smiled at him. Just a few days before they had gone window-shopping. They had

stopped in front of the local jewelry store. There was a set of mizpah necklaces for couples to

wear. She carefully unwrapped the box and he mentioned something about how girls open their

packages as if to save the wrapping. From inside the box she pulled the two necklaces out and

put them together. They fit like puzzle pieces. She read out loud “The LORD watch between me

and thee, when we are absent one from another. Genesis 31:49.” He had their names engraved

on them. She quickly took his half and put it around his neck. He was hers and she was happy.

He took her half from her hand and clumsily unhooked the latch and put it on her. She looked

even more beautiful and he was proud of the special relationship they shared.

FEAR (from The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have)

Fear manipulates our emotions, causing us to believe that we can control the severity of future hurts by holding on to past wounds. Fear causes us to cling to the memory of past emotional injuries like a shield to deflect future trauma.
But in reality, fear will only back us into an emotional prison cell, and we'll eventually find ourselves living our lives in an apprehensive, negative, and suspicious manner.
As I sat today at my computer writing, I was distracted by some horses at the ranch adjacent to our home. They frolicked and ran around all morning. It was so cute to watch them race back and forth in their expansive pasture, bucking, leaping, and even lying on their backs and wriggling all around. Our neighborhood horses sure enjoy their freedom.
But there are other horses on the ranch that, for whatever reason, are not allowed to roam free. They are kept separate in small corrals that do not afford much space to move about. There is definitely no room to run, play, wriggle on their backs, or "horse around" with their buddies.
While it's a simplistic analogy, it's actually a perfect example of the radical difference between those who know the freedom of forgiveness and those who do not. Because, as I've said before, unforgiveness will cage your heart and rob you of the joy of living, the joy of loving, and the joy of your husband's company.
A free heart is one hat loves completely, forgives easily, enjoys abundantly, and appreciates unconditionally. A bound heart is one which loves suspiciously, harbors quickly, resents immediately, and undervalues consistently.

I have always been thankful for the wall that has been built over the years that protects me. I have never wanted to take in down until I read that. It is protecting me, but what am I missing out on? I can see how hard I have become. I want to be more like Jesus and in order to do that I need to get rid of it. My wall is paralyzing me. I am suspicious. I don't trust. I want more out of my life. I want to love Mike. I want to be a better example for my children. Perfect love casts out all fear. Again, God is going to get the glory for getting me through this. I can't do it on my own. It is after all, scary, but oh so promising!