Glad I didn't go.....

We were all supposed to go to M's mom amd dad's yesterday. M's aunt moved in with them. Like most of M's mom's side the lights are on but no one is home. M is starting to act a lot like his family mentally. Maybe he always has and I just never noticed. They just aren't too bright. Then on top of that G came home saying that Bubba was talking and M's dad told her nobody was paying attention to her and didn't care what she had to say. I felt so bad for her. They all laugh and think it's funny. I think it's rude, inconsiderate, and mean. A few years ago M's mom told me about her and M's dad arguing. It sounded exactly like M and I. I can't stand being around them together. I don't want that to be my life in 20 years. It really, really scares me.
Oh, and M told me he is expecting a letter in the mail this week from Wells Fargo for a $15,000 loan. He told me if I throw it away I can pay the bills. That's just what we need, another loan. I can't believe he can actually get one considering his debt has already and the economy the way it is.
I am realizing why God gave me N when he did.:-) I am teetering on the brink. Knowing I have her to take care of is what keeps me here, functioning.

Thanksgiving day

Today is Thanksgiving so I prayed that I would keep my mouth shut when I didn't have anything nice to say. I succeeded for the most part. I do find though that when I stuff my feelings away that I have a tendency to become depressed. So, is it okay to voice my anger? I didn't think I was a control freak but the more I wonder about our future I want to cry. I battled tears most of the morning and into the afternoon. What is M waiting for?? I told everyone tonight that DISH is in my name and next time I get the bill it's getting canceled. We have plenty of videos. Last time we got rid of cable I felt closer as a family. I want to start cutting out all things that aren't necessary. I am even willing to cancel Internet for the good of my family. Why didn't M sacrifice before he got us into this mess? Shouldn't M be looking for another job? Should I look for a job? I couldn't put N in daycare. I have about $500 saved for a rainy day. I thought I would pay off a bill with that. Now I'm thinking I will be buying Christmas gifts. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a pretty skimpy Christmas around here. When I told C today he said he didn't mind, that he'll buy what he needs. It was very humbling for me to hear that. He did tell me too that Bobby is going to start paying him cash. It won't go through M first. I'm very happy about that. M already owes him $1,200 because he has used the money to pay his bill instead of giving it to C. I told G he needs to get out and look for ANY job on Monday. M said it was nice that M is paying for G's schooling that he won't be using. I just said that maybe G could pay for it once he got a job. I know the economy isn't going to get better. I heard someone on the radio the other day talking about how we (the U.S.) are making so much money. It has to stop. Our money will soon be worth nothing. That is when we will be dependent on other countries that we owe money to and that will usher in the one world currency. Kind of scary how close we are to the end times, isn't it? I am thankful to be a child of God. I am thankful for four healthy kids. I am thankful for a mom that gave A money so she could stay in taekwondo for at least another month. I do not like eating humble pie.

Opinions, please.

I need opinions, but this is such a personal thing that I don't know who to ask or even if I should. M and I haven't done anything for months. That is very unusual. It's just that I'm the one who initiates since he's sleeping when I go to bed. With everything that has gone on lately I am not interested. I'm happy reading and then falling asleep. Last night he stayed awake until I shut the lights out. I didn't want to at all. When he asked why I told him I didn't want to get into it when we were ready to go to sleep. I got up this morning and wrote down my reasons. I could give it to him when he comes home later this evening. I put everything out there though and I'm not sure he can handle it. What to do, what to do........

my book

My computer is acting up. I have the beginning of a story written and stored in Word. I'm afraid of losing it and thought I'd post it here. It is loosely autobiographical. It came very easily to me one evening. It was very therapeutic. :-) I have ideas for the rest of the book but haven't sat down to write them yet.

CHAPTER 1

Jeannie sat on the log. The sun was warm on her face and shoulders. This was

her spot to wait for him. In her sixteen years on this earth there was no one she loved

more. She was a typical teenager in that she didn’t see eye to eye with her parents. Her

father hadn’t paid attention to her in years. He said not one word to her after a fight they

had when she was thirteen. She couldn’t even remember what the argument was about.

She knew that she had pretty much blocked the memory of it out of her head. She didn’t

want to think about it. Why the father that made her feel like a princess when she was

little could not so much as say hello to her now. She was grateful to have her best friend

Pat, and her family living nearby. They were a Christian family. She knew they acted

much different than her family. They seemed to truly care about each other. She would

never forget the day they wanted to go shopping but Pat said she didn’t have money.

Pat’s older sister, Darci, rolled her eyes teasingly and said, “Oh Pat, you are such a brat!”

as she handed her twenty dollars. That made quite an impression on Jeannie. Her family,

even she could admit, she herself, was not giving towards each other, especially where

hard earned, scarcely seen money was concerned. If she did not have their home as a

place of refuge when things got rough at home, she got a chill and caught her breath as

the sight of him made her forget to think.

He was Will Allen. He was also sixteen but three months younger than Jeannie.

They grew up together. They were best friends before Jeannie realized that she had fallen for

him. He was crazy about her. With her blonde hair and striking blue eyes he felt as if he was the

luckiest boy in the world. He had been in love with her for months before she would tell him the

same. He was not what other girls would say is cute. His nose was a little bent and he had a

crooked smile. He won her over with all of the kindnesses he showed her. They took walks

through the woods. He would pick her flowers off of his mother’s prized rhododendron bush. He

would write her poetry and letters proclaiming his undying love. If ever she was in trouble she

knew all she had to do was place a phone call and he would be right there for her, tissues in

hand. He was smart too. He had German ancestors and would tell her sweet nothings in

German. When they would look at the stars at night he would point out the constellations to

her. They had let their love go further than maybe it should have. Her mom wanted her to wait

until marriage because it was what she was supposed to do. That’s it. That was the only

reason. She had no problem giving in to him on a cold day in February when his mom wasn’t at

home. Besides, they loved each other and would eventually be married.

She rose to meet him. As soon as he was close enough she put her arms around him,

hugged him, and planted a kiss on his neck. It was his favorite way in which to be greeted by

her. When she let go she could see he was holding something. It was a package wrapped in

shining silver paper. He handed it to her and as he did kissed her lips. It was not her birthday

but he had taken a job in a local diner and regularly spent his check on gifts for her. He had taken

the job because she told him she was bored and he was afraid of losing her to someone with a

car.
“Hey babe. I bought you something I know your gonna like.” She thought she knew what

it was and smiled at him. Just a few days before they had gone window-shopping. They had

stopped in front of the local jewelry store. There was a set of mizpah necklaces for couples to

wear. She carefully unwrapped the box and he mentioned something about how girls open their

packages as if to save the wrapping. From inside the box she pulled the two necklaces out and

put them together. They fit like puzzle pieces. She read out loud “The LORD watch between me

and thee, when we are absent one from another. Genesis 31:49.” He had their names engraved

on them. She quickly took his half and put it around his neck. He was hers and she was happy.

He took her half from her hand and clumsily unhooked the latch and put it on her. She looked

even more beautiful and he was proud of the special relationship they shared.

FEAR (from The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have)

Fear manipulates our emotions, causing us to believe that we can control the severity of future hurts by holding on to past wounds. Fear causes us to cling to the memory of past emotional injuries like a shield to deflect future trauma.
But in reality, fear will only back us into an emotional prison cell, and we'll eventually find ourselves living our lives in an apprehensive, negative, and suspicious manner.
As I sat today at my computer writing, I was distracted by some horses at the ranch adjacent to our home. They frolicked and ran around all morning. It was so cute to watch them race back and forth in their expansive pasture, bucking, leaping, and even lying on their backs and wriggling all around. Our neighborhood horses sure enjoy their freedom.
But there are other horses on the ranch that, for whatever reason, are not allowed to roam free. They are kept separate in small corrals that do not afford much space to move about. There is definitely no room to run, play, wriggle on their backs, or "horse around" with their buddies.
While it's a simplistic analogy, it's actually a perfect example of the radical difference between those who know the freedom of forgiveness and those who do not. Because, as I've said before, unforgiveness will cage your heart and rob you of the joy of living, the joy of loving, and the joy of your husband's company.
A free heart is one hat loves completely, forgives easily, enjoys abundantly, and appreciates unconditionally. A bound heart is one which loves suspiciously, harbors quickly, resents immediately, and undervalues consistently.

I have always been thankful for the wall that has been built over the years that protects me. I have never wanted to take in down until I read that. It is protecting me, but what am I missing out on? I can see how hard I have become. I want to be more like Jesus and in order to do that I need to get rid of it. My wall is paralyzing me. I am suspicious. I don't trust. I want more out of my life. I want to love Mike. I want to be a better example for my children. Perfect love casts out all fear. Again, God is going to get the glory for getting me through this. I can't do it on my own. It is after all, scary, but oh so promising!

Colossians 3:23-24

Do you serve your husband as "unto the Lord"? I have been reading The Man You Always Wanted is the One You Already Have and Is There a Moose in Your Marriage? I get so fired up and want to serve M according to Colossians 3:23-24.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

I have a better motive! It puts our marriage in a whole different perspective when I think of it this way. I need to choose to serve God regardless of M's behavior. The real issue isn't how M deserves to be treated, but how Jesus deserves to be treated. It's so much easier said than done though. He walks in the room and I automatically find things to pick at. *groan*

Here is a different version of Matthew 25:35-40 that I read the other day.

The Husband Paraphrase

I was hungry for breakfast, dinner,
and sometimes even lunch, snacks, a
kind word, a warm hug, to talk to you, to be loved by you...
...you gave me something to eat.
I was thirsty to feel accepted by you,
to take the leadership role in our
home, to be admired by you, to be respected by you.
I mowed the lawn and needed refreshing and...
...you gave me something to drink.
I was a stranger; my mood was bad.
I had been unreasonable.
I had been mean, thoughless, forgetful, unhelpful, self-centered...
...you invited me in.
I was naked, you did all my wash
even when I dropped it on the floor.
You sewed on my missing buttons.
You let me bare my soul to you.
You ironed my wrinkled shirts.
You saw the real me that others never see--
with all my quirks and uncovered ugliness, and you never
exposed me before our children, family, or friends...
...you clothed me.
I was sick--you know my colds are worse than anyone else's.
Sometimes I said things to you I didn't mean. I got depressed and...
...you cared for me.
I was in prison: my job got to me some days and I withdrew from you.
When I was lonely you were there for me.
You prayed for me.
When I was consumed with a problem,
when I was unforgiving, when I didn't deserve
anything because of the way I've treated you ans I was so ashamed...
...you came to me.
Jesus would say to you, "When you did these things for your
husband, you did them for Me."

Instead of these things getting easier it seems they are getting harder! I know it is Satan but I do just want to get up and get out sometimes still. *sigh* We are so far apart. We have nothing in common. I didn't love him when we got married. He still lies. If this works God will get all the glory because I can't do it myself.

It's no wonder I have very low self esteem!!!!

It's only early afternoon and already I've been told that I have a big back and that someone didn't like my hair. Why do people feel the need to tell me these things?????

sooooooooooo sick of the lies

*SIGH* I just got the mail and there is a new bill for $15,000. Of course the lender would not tell me anything. My name isn't on the loan. I called M and he said he took it out a few months ago to black top the driveway. Black topping the driveway costs $3,000. The SOB complains about G's school, wants C to join the military to pay for his education, and this would've paid over half of either of them. I'm crying. I want to throw up. I've had it. I soooo want a divorce. I have been reading trying to put this marriage back together again but I feel even if M would have a change of heart that my trust in him is gone. How do you get that back? When I called him just now he wasn't telling the whole truth. I could tell by the way he answered. I don't swear, but in my head I am letting them fly!
This on top of he and his sisters planning a 50th wedding anniversary party for his parents in a couple of years. It will cost each one at least $2,000 to get everything together like his mom wants. I wasn't going to say much about it. It's his parents. It could be worse. But now, I just don't have the fight in me anymore.
And then add this cherry to the top! We got a new puppy. I have been sleeping on the couch bed until she gets used to being here and a little better house trained. He tells me the other morning how nice it is to sleep alone because he can fart and not have me there complaining about it! I'm worth less than a bodily function?????
I have screwed up my life by my own doing. I've stayed with M this long because of the kids (and because God hates divorce) but I don't think I'm going to make it for N.

C

I wrote this email to someone today:

I am asking for advice this way because I am horribly embarrassed by what just happened between my son and I. I ask him questions throughout the day. I want to know how he's doing. He doesn't offer anything so it's my way of communicating with him. I do not see it as interrogation. I ask because I hope to start a conversation. He told me the other day I ask too many questions. My husband and sons and a man that my husband works with just came in to eat lunch today. When they were getting ready to leave I asked the man, B, something about his girlfriend. C, my son, and B were the only ones left in the house. Teasing C I said, "Oh, oh C. I asked B a question. Maybe I shouldn't do that, huh?" C went off on a total tirade saying how he hates coming home because of me, that I act stupid and I'm an effing (He doesn't say the word. That's what he said.) sped. I didn't say anything to C because I was so embarrassed. I don't know what in the world was going through B's head. He must think I am a terrible mother. I am so upset. I thought I would ground him until the weekend then I thought a week wouldn't be uncalled for. When people are mean to me I have a tendency to shut them out. My defense is that I build a wall and eventually I don't care what they say. I could hear my mind battling it out. "Tell him to get out when he's 18. Only talk to him when you have to." As his mom, I am fighting against doing that. I love him and I don't know why he seems to hate me so much. I tend to think he's a good kid because he's responsible, doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or really swear, but this was so out of line. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like a failure as a mom, stupid, and like the world would be better off without me. Just over that exchange. What would you have done?

This is the answer I received:

Well, Since you wrote me off line, I am thinking you want a straight answer... So, no sugar coating. It is terribly hard as a mom to let them grow up (Remember mine are 25, 22 and 20!) but it is time to let go. You need to apologize to C for all the questions and for embarrassing HIM in front of another man.

I strongly recommend you try to curb your desire to know everything that is happening in his life - trust me, you don't REALLY want to know everything! Time to turn him TOTALLY over to God... And PRAY for him, not interrogate him. Put a lock on you lips, my friend. Pray before speaking. Show sweetness in your actions and you will win him over.

Loose lips don't just sink ships, they ruin trust. I know, sweet friend.... Been there.... Done that.

You cannot believe how much worse I feel. I really do want to know. I want us to be close. I haven't talked to my father in 30 years. I would hate for that to happen with C and I. He is 17. I am supposed to let him go? My job is done?? Good grief. Thankfully, I have A and N yet or I would be worthless!
I am afraid to talk to him at all. What if I say something else wrong? Why shouldn't he be held accountable for talking to me like that? I don't know. I have been hearing a few differences of opinions lately about a few things. If I have been wrong about a few things, am I doing anything right???

*sigh*

Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell

I just finished reading this book and I want to shout to the world to read it too! It should definitely be required reading for history in every American school. I had to make myself put it down. I would've read it in one sitting. I learned exactly why the liberal media and the left are putting our guys (and gals) in the military in danger with their silly rules. Their rules of engagement don't work in a war! It's the story of the worst day in SEAL history. Marcus was the only survivor of Operation Redwing in the mountains of Afghanistan. Our pastor recommended it to us. I am so proud of Marcus! I am so proud of all of those serving our country! I am so proud to be an American!

Holding a grudge?

It's almost 12:00 A.M. I got home a little while ago. I took my mom to the emergency room because she was having chest pains. They think it's a symptom of her diabetes but are keeping her overnight and giving her a stress test in the morning. You know, I think I've come to the conclusion tonight that I hold a grudge against my father. I don't care about what he did to me. I have forgiven him and moved on. But he needed to be the one to keep his vows "in sickness and in health till death do us part" so I wouldn't have all of this added responsibility. My boys take care of her yard, M keeps the house, plumbing, heat, etc. in working order, and I have to run her to all of the many doctor appts. and other places she needs to go. I really resent it all. I asked God to forgive me but how do I move on?

Barney Blue Bell

My 14 1/2 year old kitty died today. He was diagnosed with a thyroid problem a few weeks ago and he just got progressively worse. We buried him in the garden so that he will have flowers growing all around him. I took this picture this morning because I knew he didn't have long. :-(

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

The Wild White Rose

The Wild White Roseby Ellen H. Willis

Oh, that I might have my request, and that God would grant me the thing that I long for.—Job 6:8.

It was peeping through the brambles, that little wild white rose,

Where the hawthorn hedge was planted, my garden to enclose.

All beyond was fern and heather, on the breezy, open moor;

All within was sun and shelter, and the wealth of beauty's store.

But I did not heed the fragrance of flow'ret or of tree,

For my eyes were on that rosebud, and it grew too high for me.

In vain I strove to reach it through the tangled mass of green,

It only smiled and nodded behind its thorny screen.

Yet through that summer morning I lingered near the spot:

Oh, why do things seem sweeter if we possess them not?

My garden buds were blooming, but all that I could see

Was that little mocking wild rose, hanging just too high for me.

So in life's wider garden there are buds of promise, too,

Beyond our reach to gather, but not beyond our view;

And like the little charmer that tempted me astray,

They steal out half the brightness of many a summer's day.

Oh, hearts that fail with longing for some forbidden tree,

Look up and learn a lesson from my white rose and me.

'Tis wiser far to number the blessings at my feet,

Than ever to be sighing for just one bud more sweet.

My sunbeams and my shadows fall from a pierced Hand,

I can surely trust His wisdom since His heart I understand;

And maybe in the morning, when His blessed face I see,

He will tell me why my white rose grew just too high for me.

Autumn and I read this poem this afternoon. It really spoke to my heart. Will I ever stop wanting what I don't have? Isn't it God's best for me? Some days I just feel like I'm where I am because of the decisions I made without God's blessing. Is it my fault then or still God's will?

Discontined products

Does anyone remember Body On Tap? It was the shampoo that was supposed to have beer in it to give your hair more body. Mmmmmmmmm, I can almost smell it!!!!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GsXj1kwnt9A

I found it!!!!!! I can even buy it!!! It's expensive though!
http://www.vermontcountrystore.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=35777&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=Body+on+Tap

Now to find Blue Jeans perfume. I would spray some on as a teen hoping to turn the head of that special boy.

And Wacky Wafers!!!!! I craved these fruity coins when I was pg. with G. I would have stockpiled had I known they were going to quit making them!

God Speaking by Mandisa

Driving home this evening I was listening to Mandisa. I heard her song God Speaking in a whole new way. It could be because someone I used to work with lost her husband today. It could be because I have a dear online friend going through tough times as her husband is cheating on her and telling her he wants out of their marriage. It could be my own self pity about some of the decisions I have made in my life. Maybe God is speaking to us through all of it. Wow!!! Read the words, better yet, listen to the song if you can........

Have you ever heard a love song
That set your spirit free
Have you ever watched a sunrise
And felt you could not breathe
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking
Have you ever cried a tear that
You could not explain
Have you ever met a stranger
That already knew your name
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us I love you

Have you ever lost a loved one
Who you thought should still be here
Do you know what it feels like
To be tangled up in fear
What if He's somehow involved
What if He's speaking through it all

His ways are higher
His ways are better
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger
Than God in a manger

God is speaking
I love you

Relationships

Our pastor started a series of sermons on relationships today. I always said there could be a nuclear explosion and if M was the only survivor he would be fine. I think G and C would be fine too. The longer I stay in this family I think I would be fine. Pastor Donn used solitary confinement of prisoners as an example. I tried to imagine what problem I would have with that. My problem would be being in an enclosed room. If I was by myself but still had access to books, movies, music, animals, and so on would I miss anyone? Okay. There are my kids. A woman would love to have that perfect man but I have come to find there isn't one. They are good to kill spiders but is that why I want one around? Yikes! I have great online friends too. Sometimes I wonder if that is normal. I can fit them into my schedule on my time. They don't bother me with phone calls at inopportune moments. It's kind of selfish of me. Maybe I will benefit from this sermon. Right now, I'm wondering.......

Complaining

I'm ready for a divorce again. Why is it that M and I can't solve our problems together like adults? He attacks me. I blame him for everything. M has been getting reminder notices that time is running out for G's student loans. M was waiting to have his taxes done. When I was single I had them done no later than the first week of February. We have about a week to get everything together because he waited so long and just picked them up last week. He told me to send the info. on the Internet. I forgot I already had a pin number and screwed up the application process. Now I'm waiting for my new number to be approved. In he meantime, the clock is ticking. M is threatening not to pay for G's education, after all I'm the one that started the ball rolling, meaning sending G to Wyotech. He told me I'll need to get a job to pay for it. G is in the same room while we are arguing. It is something he wanted to do. I don't want him to be M's slave all his life anyway. Kids at McDonalds are getting paid just as much, if not more than, M pays the boys. The boys are busting their butts too.
I'm so tired of C telling me I sit on my rear all day. M hears him say this stuff and never comes to my defense. I so want to quit washing clothes and cleaning. I can't threaten C with not buying groceries because I can honestly say he doesn't eat here much. I make him sit at the table with us though. He is my picky eater. I quit buying pop and junk and the kid lost so much weight! He did need to lose a few pounds but now he is really skinny. If I make his favorite food but don't have pop here to have with it he won't eat it! He is very stubborn! Have I lost any weight???? NO!!!!
Once again, I feel regret about the choices I have made. I hate that I don't get a do over!
We watched a documentary yesterday for school about Paul and Margaret Brand. It made me want to do more with my life, more that counts for eternity. What can I do though? I should have waited for God's best for me instead of marrying M. There was so much I wanted to do but I got married and Mike said I didn't need to waste the gas money. :-\ I could go on a missions trip with our church when they go. Mommie Dearest would have a field day for a long time telling me what a bad idea that would be. I couldn't leave the kids anyway. I wouldn't trust M for more than a few hours with N. Last night her monitor in our room was pulling in static. It woke us a few times. At about 4 in the morning M jumped out of bed and threatened to smash it. Now, what good would that have done? I would've had to put her in bed with us again because I would not hear her without it.
Wow, I certainly have rambled! I think I feel better though. And I didn't have to bore anyone else with my griping. :-)

EASTER DAY

It wasn't a bad day. Mom did get on my nerves before she got here. She is so demanding and controlling. She was ticked because I had supper at 5:30 instead of 4:00. We had just had lunch at 1:30! She threatened not to come if we didn't eat soon. She said she would make her own next year if we plan on eating that late again. She was mad that M's parents gave N something before she did. I can't believe I held my tongue so well. She is just so ridiculous sometimes! When I came back from picking her up M and the kids were all playing N's toy horns when she entered. She didn't think anything of it but I knew what they were doing-trying to play "Hail to the Queen". lol

What a day!!!!!!

Talk about getting a scare today!!! We went to see the BODIES tour in Pittsburgh. C passed out! He was walking with my sil so I didn't see it happen. The look on her face and the way she said call 911 I thought for sure he was dying!!!!!!! When he tried standing up he fell over again. When he finally came to he said he was never going to be a doctor! He is squeamish! lol Why are we so protective of our kids if we know they are heaven bound when they die? Is it wrong that I don't want God having any of them yet??

I guess it was just a matter of time......

I got a phone call from the bank today. Seems M is trying to get another loan. The representative called today. She apologized for me not knowing anything about it, not ever knowing about any of them. M came through the door before she could tell me how much he was trying to borrow. M did tell me a few weeks ago that since interest is down he was going to look into consolidating. *sigh* I told him if it was anything requiring my signature he could forget it. He doesn't need one for a business loan. I don't get it. I am still responsible for any loans he has if something should happen to him. Why isn't my name needed then? He has been saying he wants a new Harley. I wonder if that money is added into the consolidation? I wouldn't have such a problem with this except that I know if his bills add up to $40,000 he will borrow $80,000. I'm trying not to let this bother me. Writing it here helps. I know no one else wants to hear about any more of his financial decisions. I just wish with all of my hearrt that I would've waited for God's best for me. Then I wouldn't have the kids I do and I don't ever want to wish them away so...........
On to my next gripe. My mom has many health problems. She takes 20+ prescriptions. I don't think she needs near that many. She runs to the doctor quite often. She goes for bloodwork once a month. He makes sure her prescriptions don't need adjusting. Then there is the nose, throat, ear doctor, allergy shots, dentists, eye doctor, mammograms twice yearly, and the list goes on. On top of that she is in the process of getting social security and I take her for groceries. This week I have to take her to three appts. I hate driving. I would love never to leave my house again. I'm tired of it. I have four kids that I homeschool. I have a home to clean and meals to make. I start feeling guilty then. What if something would happen to her? Somehow I knew as a very young child I would be the one taking care of her. I wrote it in an autobiography I had to do in about second grade. How did I know this? My father was still at home. I do have a younger brother. She tried giving me $40 yesterday because she said, "I know I'm a pain in the butt to have to drive all around." I didn't take it. She mentioned she didn't have anything else to give me. I told her to have my brother take her once in a while would be a big load off of me. She said she couldn't do that. She didn't say it but I know it's because he lives 20 miles away, she doesn't trust his driving, and he still drinks and smokes pot. I don't see my doctors like I should because I do enough running with her.
N just got up from her nap. I'm taking her to Storytime at the library this afternoon. Kind of funny after just complaining that I'd rather stay home. Believe me, it's a sacrifice of love to do this stuff. I don't get a lot of pleasure from it. I'm not even sure she likes it. lol

It's great to be a mom!!!!

G, A, N, and I went sledding tonight. I didn't actually ride. I stood at the bottom watching for cars. When we came in M put N in the tub to play with her new ducks from WalMart. They make her so happy! I love days like this! I wasn't rushed to be anywhere. We could do school at a relaxed pace. I even took about a 10 minute power nap this afternoon. Supper was great, Potato Encrusted Cod from Schwans and bow tie noodles with sausage gravy. I love being a mom!! <<<333

Good day!

Valentine's Day survey

In honor of Valentine's Day on Thursday and because I love these things I am posting a survey. Feel free to share your answers in a comment! :-)

1. Are you single or taken?
married
2. Chocolate or flowers?
and jewelry too!!!!!!!!!!!
3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
making steak dinner and giving candy to my kiddos
4.Do you like anyone?
yes
5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines?
no
6. What would be your dream Valentines date?
handing me candy, flowers and jewelry, lol
7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
yes, my favorite
8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
yes
9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
yes
11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines?
sometimes
12. Do you still send out Valentines cards?
no
13. Do you like candy hearts?
There's not too much candy I won't eat!!
14. What is something you got last Valentines?
candy, flowers, no jewelry :-(
15. Is Valentines depressing?
not as long as I get candy, flowers and jewelry
16. How do you feel about PDA?
get a room
17. How is your love life?
could be better, could be worse
18. Have You Ever Been Dumped On Valentines Day?
no
19. How many roses would you want?
one means, I love you, but a dozen or two would be nice too
20. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend next Valentines?
that wouldn't be good, lol

romance on the bathroom door

Now, what are you thinking??? lol

I mentioned before that we are redoing our bathroom. Well, this is what I found behind the door tonight-our initials using my maiden name. Of course we are still below the Harley Davidson graffiti. :-p

Oh boy! It's late!

This is going to be a short post! Nothing much happening today except for choosing a color for the bathroom that we are redoing, again! The walls will be very close to this color of purple and the celing will be a light blue with white trim. We ordered new storage cabinets too. It's going to look nice and make better use of the very small space that we have in there.
C is very mad at an old friend. His friend started dating the girl C has liked for a very long time. Then he posted a picture of them kissing on his MySpace page and the comment reads, "THIS ONE'S FOR YOU C." C wants to hit him the next time he sees him, and I don't blame him. I keep trying to tell him that she wasn't the girl for him anyway. She's not a Christian. Her mouth would make some truckers blush. I still feel bad for him though. Even I thought she liked C.

my day

A got a new bunny today. His name is Harvey, short for Harvest. He is a lionhead rabbit. He's a little darker now than he was when this picture was taken. A friend of mine wanted to give him to a good home before her daughter got another one. A loves it! She has been holding him like a baby most of the day. It was one month ago today that Cutie was killed. M didn't complain about her getting it. He was the one to take her to get it. He paid for the food and dishes. I wondered why he was being so nice. He's not an animal person. Then he told me coming home tonight that he felt really bad that he wasn't there when Cutie was being taken by the dogs. He was in the garage and heard screaming but thought the girls were jumping on the trampoline.

M and I went out to eat at the Olive Garden tonight. Everything was so good! I tried really hard not to think about how many people handled my food and if they washed their hands! LOL

I know I could've done a lot worse. I can live with him borrowing so much money. I HATE the lying though. It destroys any trust or respect I have for him.

Going to the mall tomorrow. A needs jeans. C has lots of money on gift cards to spend. I think Shrek is coming too.

first post

Well, here I go. I've been told this is very therapeutic. I need a place to vent. My friends are tired of hearing me whining. Oh, some days I could post something happy. We'll see. :-)

I'm a stay at home, homeschooling mom. I have been married to M for 19 yrs. It will be 20 on May 13th. My oldest is 18 and started tech school for diesel the day his sister, my youngest, turned three. There is another son and daughter between them. And, believe it or not, I am a born again Christian, a true believer. I'm not perfect. I'm forgiven. Thank goodness! I can see God's fingerprints all over my life. I want my life to reflect Him in it. Some days I do that better than others.

I was supposed to go to the doctor yesterday but the secretary called right before I was ready to go and told me the doctor was running a hour late. He always runs late! He is a super doctor but he's soooooooooo slow. Well, I told them to reschedule me then because my appt. would have been running into our suppertime. My mom is freaking because I quit taking all of my medicines. I can't stand taking pills and the way dh has been yelling about the medical bills I have no desire to go or spend money on prescriptions. I asked God to take care of me. He knows me better than anyone else. Dh was going on and on about paying for these doctor bills the other day and I asked him what his problem was. I said, "I go and buy $1,500 earrings and you don't say squat-NOTHING, but I get a bill for my health and you complain every chance you get!" He then said something about just having my thyroid removed and being done with it. I told him he was the last person I wanted to discuss it with because he is just concerned with the money end of it, not the fears I have about all the quack doctors, who will school the kids, take care of N, clean the house, cook the meals. He won't help. He'll have to go to work. He didn't say anymore.

And there you have it. Wasn't so bad. Or was it?